I assumed when I started staying at home that I'd have more time to blog. Not, you know, while the Pirates were up and terrorizing the household, but when they were napping during the day and such.
Ha. HA.
I don't know how actual mommybloggers do it. How do they put up three posts - including 12 new photos of their pristine, photogenic children - before lunch? Their blogs are cheerful and full of adorable stories about how their 18 month old cherub likes to help Mommy do the laundry.
I'm starting to think they're full of shit.
Am I really the only mother who has had to stop her children from lapping out of the toilet and pulling chunks from the kitty litter box? Because my day isn't filled with bluebirds and ice cream and copious blogging and photography time. It's more like...
7am - Pirates demanding freedom from their
prisons cribs. The first child is easy to change and dress but the second takes five times as long since I have to keep stretching out one arm as far as I can to prevent the first child from tearing all the clothes off the shelves, ripping all the baby wipes out of the container, and playing with various electrical devices.
7.30am - breakfast, complete with egg throwing and a milk spitting for distance competition.
8-9am - the official Let's Make Mama Crazy Super Funtime Happy Hour, which usually consists of 782 attempts to turn on the stove and dishwasher, destroy the blinds, and investigate if anything potentially dangerous or incredibly messy has accidentally been left within reach. (Fun fact: twins are a thousand times harder to manage once they realize the value of teamwork, which usually translates as, "I'll go do something bad in this direction - you go the other way. She can't catch both of us!")
9-11am - I like to call this Running Errands Time since it sounds productive. Really it's OMFG Get These Kids Out of the House Before I Snap Time. This usually includes a pleasant trip to the park, and 42 rounds of Pirates Don't Like Wearing Shoes In The Stroller.
11.30am - lunch. Did you know a sandwich soaked in juice or milk is better than Play-Doh? And also surprisingly aerodynamic. True story.
12-2pm - that hallowed two hour period known as naptime. For me, half of this is taken up with various household chores - the other half is spent in a glassy eyed state on the couch, twitching erratically.
2.30-3.30pm - playground! We love the playground. It's full of interesting things to do, like licking the steps leading up to the slide and testing how many cups of bark mulch you can fit down your pants. Using the equipment the way the manufacturers intended is purely optional.
4pm - quiet play, so called because it involves "quiet" toys like blocks and puzzles. Whoever named this obviously never heard the sonorous clunk of a large block being whacked repeatedly against a sibling's head, and the subsequent shrieks and retaliatory slap of a large wooden puzzle piece across the block bearer's face.
5pm - dinner preparation, which inevitably involves another 436 rounds of stove and dishwasher assaults and approximately 1,027 renditions of Get Out Of The Kitchen NOW, You Little Bilge Rats!
6pm - dinner. They liked the pasta three days ago, so it's a sure thing today, right? Wrong. Apparently it is now a festering plate of evil. Good luck getting THAT down their gullets.
6.30pm - bath time. Did you know there's only one good bath toy out of thirty, and that one toy is worth hitting, hair pulling, and biting over?
7pm - bedtime. Read 'em a book, get 'em in bed, pray they go to sleep easily, then collapse in a puddle of exhaustion on the couch.
Any other mommyblogger failures out there?
