Bedtime story

Gather 'round, children. Auntie Lisa has a nice story to tell you before you go to sleep tonight (or go to work this morning...or whatever...it's night here, OK?).  

Once upon a time, a funny guy who we'll call Rex posted the cover of a particularly bad sounding book called Dracutwig:

 Scan poached from Pop Sensation since I'm too lazy to photograph the cover myself.

I commented that I'd totally read it, and since Rex is made of awesome, he offered to send me the book. A free book? Yes! A free book about a vampire who "is the daughter of Dracula, has a body like Twiggy--and turns into a vampire whenever she makes love"? Oh HELL YES.

And do you know what happened then, children? I read it. And the plot...let me explain. No, there is too much. Let me sum up.

Dracula + one night stand with a mortal woman = Dracutwig. The daughter goes to London, where she decides to become a supermodel instead of attending boarding school. As you do. She hooks up with a sleazy photographer named Harry, who has something vaguely incestuous going on with his mom (my general reaction during their scenes: "???!?...!!!!?"). And because whoever wrote the tagline is a lying liar who lies, Dracutwig doesn't turn into a vampire every time she makes love. She does gradually become a bloodsucker, though. And then (SPOILER!) she dies. No shit, the main character in this cheesefest actually dies. Steaked through the heart by Harry's mother. The tale closes with Dracula trailing Harry, presumably so he can exact some form of revenge.

That's not the end of the book though, my dears. Oh no. There's another 40 pages of something the author calls "A Dissertation" which contains amusing mini-stories about a vampire, a werewolf and an incubus, along with a plea for better treatment of and acceptance into society for the modern vampire ("Look at the jobs they could perform that humans don't care for in the first place!").

Of course it was bad.

Really sucktastically bad.

But bad in an intentionally funny way, the way a Mel Brooks movie is bad.

Bad in a way that made Ben keep picking it up, reading aloud from a random page and giggling.

Bad in a way that I might - just might - have secretly, gleefully, enjoyed. Thanks for the laughs, Rex - you kick ass!

The End.

Goodnight and sleep tight, my dears!