Aussie Tip #5

Drink Like A Local

Want to know the easiest way to tell a tourist in Australia? Well, aside from the obnoxious shirts, plethora of camera gear and ubiquitous fanny packs?* Without exception, they mosey up to the bar and order Fosters.

Fosters is one of those mysterious cultural icons that is beloved by tourists and unilaterally derided by locals (much like Beck’s, or so I’m told). This is because it’s pretty much the worst beer Australia has to offer, usually inviting comparisons to something that came from the wrong end of a horse - although now that I think about it, I’m not sure which end that would be. Anyway, Fosters is mostly exported, although they do reserve a bit at home so visitors can pretend like they’re locals (who, in turn, like to point and laugh at the sight of tourists knocking back one of the vilest drinks known to man).

So what do Aussies drink? That depends on the location, since many states have favorite local brews...

• In New South Wales, Tooheys (or, more popularly, Toohey’s New) is a fairly safe bet. Victoria Bitter, aka VB** used to be omnipresent but has declined in popularity.
• Queenslanders tend to suck down a lot of XXX (say “four ex”), although I’d rather have my fingernails pulled out. That shiz is NAS-TAY.
• South Australians have a strong preference for Coopers, especially their Pale Ale.
• Victorians like Carlton Draught, which I find shockingly foul.
• In Western Australia they drink a fair amount of Swan Lager - a pretty name for a rather rough beer. However, I’m informed by Someone Who Would Know that in recent years the very nice Little Creatures brewery has begun to win the popularity stakes – it’s not available in many pubs outside of WA yet, but is easy to find in most liquor stores (or “bottle shops” as Aussies call them), and I strongly recommend trying it if you get a chance.
• If you make it down to Tasmania, Boags is popular, as is Cascade. (In my mini-poll, Aussies couldn’t agree on which was preferred – I vote for Cascade because they have a prettier label. Clearly, I am shallow and not a connoisseur of Tasmanian beer.)
• And nationwide, Crown is a relatively upscale brew, but common enough to find in most pubs - plus it won’t get you mocked by the rest of the clientele.

P.S. Although Fosters may be widely derided, I do have to give them props for a truly memorable ad campaign, even if it really isn’t “Australian for beer.” That said, I still think this Carlton Draught clip is the all time best Aussie beer ad:

*In Australia, fanny packs are called “bum bags.” This is because “fanny” is a slang term for the female anatomy. Naturally, Aussies find it hysterically inappropriate when an American threatens to “spank your fanny.”

** Ben has just sent me a list of alternative meanings of VB: Very Bitter, Very Bad, Very Bogan and, for some reason, Vitamin B? At any rate, he defines it as “working class beer for laborers about 20 years ago.” From what I can tell, there’s a fairly clear generational gap – you’ll see baby boomers holding a bottle, but most younger Aussies won’t drink it except out of desperation.