That's me in the center - the one with the vacant smile. I like going to the Red Cross and staring at the patterns in the shirts. That and the 'ludes keep me pretty mellow. Anyway, let me walk you through a typical day in my life...
Before breakfast, my husband takes the children out for some calisthenics. And where am I while everyone else is enjoying a quick morning workout?
Right here. Making a full breakfast for the family. I find a little vodka on my eggs really helps the day go smoother.
At the table, I'm constantly on alert with the toaster so no one has to face the horror of cold bread. Of course this means I don't have time to actually eat, so I just sit here with my cup of coffee and empty plate while everyone else enjoys their eggs (which of course are cooked three different ways to satisfy their whiny asses).
I don't know about you, but I always bring my husband his mail while he reads the morning paper - heaven forbid he walk out to the mailbox and back. Thank god the vodka has kicked in...
(Meanwhile, the girl thinks, "Maybe if I hold really still and try not to grimace in fear too much, he'll stop showing off for the camera and let me leave.")
Finally, I fetch my husband his briefcase as he leaves. Lazy jackass can't be bothered getting it himself.
But of course then he always manages to lose it in the five frigging steps between the door and the car, so I have to get it for him. AGAIN. Sometimes I wish I could just smack him in the face with it. God, I need another drink.
Now that he's at work designing toy battleships (that's a 500:1 scale photo in the background) and pretending to read schematics, I can go about my day.
First to the store. Whoa. NICE carrot. If only my husband...hmmmmm...
In the afternoon, the stupid boy sits and sulks yet again while the girl mocks him and flings around the cookies I slaved over. AND she's put her goddam dirty toy ball on the table again even though I've repeatedly told her not to. Thankfully I have a mega-sized thermos of Valium-laced coffee. It's the only thing between me and filicide right now, plus it keeps a chirpy smile on my dial.
Ah dinner. Although I've prepared a feast, I only share a tiny morsel with the girl, to keep my figure slim and teach her proper female eating habits early on (hey, no one likes a fattie, right?).
And that's the end of my day! I hope you found it educational! Now I'm off to get some bourbon and take another look at that carrot. Toodles!
Finally, this last image wasn't really part of the series, but it was just too random to leave out: